File #4109: "Suffolk Journal_1980Apr01_parody.pdf"

Text

PARODY ISSUE

SUFFOLK PHALYX
A UIVISJON OF SUFFOLK JOURNAL, INC. - APRIL I, 1980- APRIL FOOLS 15.5UE

Police now fondle guns

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SJRB comes down hard on SGA
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President Tommy Fullof-it
saves money by 'parking'

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Bnin to tacb "jerk-offs"

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News flash!

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Suffolk to hold Olympics
at its modem facilities

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OP TNI UNIV.HITT. GASl'4

Flm schedule

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AN'IOUNCID HH CAIIDmJtCT
APTH 111110 1'0I.D ff
ADIIIHIIT'&ATION'IIIATNOom
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Athb.-rton that
Ow "" Ul,ply fot
htribmtt1t plan
IOff'III lftlnlftC ftlr d,t fall.

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WeU, lb.rt It b Tb, world mm• ta
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Suffulk thl1
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Glorious Hooker excites
interest of Suffolk
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•rtUMt.

HOW WOULD YOU GET RIO OF A
HOOICER1Cal"" __,,110tt �

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Sports editor's disappearance
discovered after one month

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April Fool'<ISalfoJ• � IJ

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Anderson tied to murderer Gacy
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CONSTIIUCTION

WOIIICEIIS OISCOVfll

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IJOliS YOIJ/1 SP/lliC/1 DRAWi.' WOUW YOU UK/: TO DAZZI.I:
YOUR PHOl•ESSORS WIT/I VOCAi. PROl'/C//; 'l' IINI)
SPEW/
UICI: HEINO TAI.Kl'U ABOUT! W•II. ,oroU nuw
Mt:R.R V "KIRI" Cit
IPAUNE
11001. OF PFS.O SPF,AJUNU

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Orrilllll•MW-'-- IDW...
••r••• �tU aad dit'IWl&a ..

,,,__
""°"""'"""* __ ...........

R0$$t•s ltAIOfRS cl•l,,.•d
rupo"•llllllrvo, ,,.. mt1u•1/011J
�o/Jo4Jml,/-,otff4'dro,
�, O,Mwro
f'anahecl But af\tt, • monl.b of •OIMkflftl
an ....
wn h.NI amvtd, •.....,._now.
n. not,. hMl.ltJ lnibba.4 oa lhe betk
ot o• ot O.. Mth•,,_ MY•ry NO'IMI
Coiurw: �ll, ..W llut Ota&.rto a..d
mdNd t.ffl lldtwHfd IN that lh•
t,no,W O'Ot,IP \Jwril"• • ROll6'1 a.Iden
......................... ,.. O.Mam>�
,......, lkh1d,d at kMI OM f\l. half,_.,
ut tofffflll•. OtW lotbt ,oom � .-h
wmN1,ar, • 11b fbol.tflllft,1..1.. auuol
Mir •ny and, ot �. IIMHW)'. �
lnlu.J llfflDMIU .-... ...,....�tafblow-,
not. on• ban.clout, dt11.mdNd 1M ,.,_,,,.
1oJ1.r, P,J.... "1 May I.
'Ill■ wat not our typlcel lldaapplal,
dalmH ,.,15 1. twd •"' Undtr'Oowr.
''Whlt't ta llnnp," clw'OoM1 &lkid, ....
lhat If UHi n,11.N)m liln'\ p,tkt '-h-,•.,. at>lna:
10 wnd him beck. trJCKl.,.Y\twy"Uptnd
ofhlnL Tbatdo♦.tn'trnabany.,....r'
ll&...lfyuukno• OtM.t.rtol

.... ._ .........
...................... ..

-y - '10,000 to -

......... ,.. ...... 11 ...
......... a.,, .....,___ ..,.,.
lloaR c,a .. � 21-, all

___-�---__
aa ....-.u.......,.._.....,_
.,. -.-

... al9f ............ ......

,.., 4/S,,f(oJt /lfwJyJt/Aprll Fool\

State House
to become
SU annex

Disgraced profes.fflr loses job to illegitimate son
,

.. AGM .W UW, IOl.1 mt 1fteor l na
IN!ta, ...,, ,. ..lo th• � &bl& ........
,-led Ir'- NC ol tt.. -.CUNlOf Mlll tllld lO
...,.. .. ...... . ... .... ,IOm lt..
�,un ltOlffoQlil LKIQ (or a» lb.
..
- - lllm.
H6d I ,__.Md owl ol m, lftNbllOr fi)r
mor. ih• lhrw a»tlulft or IIOflh WWkl

==

.

:.:t..or:::..� ::::c::

ffllllffl Md bfff M ■ • ar-ttolk. Alldt.r,,
I•• Ntk lo t.UQl ,ow Mil."

..., __ ..., _,, ...., i,...

,...,"'td f'rura llb ort'klt bal wM
_...,. ....,,........ .. 1>o.11atto·,
IIUMnl \O U.. poliUoa,
....
"'II IOOll • fcMw' J..., ki fidUliilpnd
-, ot Uw - - •r
M.11 .....,. 11.·, ,....boldi.,, .- .,.._
la blJ offktt NCf I _.. .._,._ A l ftn& II
•• jwl. u.. nu1111fi t»wl&y ....-... l:Mtt.
oow kl •ude11tl dd l won't ._ b lt.
NoMor"1tMl•1 � to u.. r.rt
&hat I WM M"r lllrllMt IO 1U.ld Ml,)' ut
..
..... r...- ,.. r �. l llad
- lllm
_,. ... ......., Mll. l'l ,._ to f
Old ao ,OUM... All ol IJut II off 1M ftllCOftl
nc1>1r
AkllcMap .... .. CKll ol a jolt lle
,...._.. � wtUI U,,. ,._,

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,,.....

" I ,_, Q) r lb• t&Udatalil. _., bow•
wUt -,n of cn, Dt ltllafflcl wll LNda U.•.
I laow I lllcta't •to>' Lttdl... blm 1W
l4Ut ..ulrt. H, ti NCW, dtinpUff tad I
.
....., ....._ ... , f\i.a.lUIH OW. l am lft dl&

Three Fs
moonlighting
as strippers

............ ..,_.

,..r.:-: =::, r:.=.=

=

tier lO ••Ith " FIIClky rn..u.,"
..VolVP'f.N• Vlnftht", Md "'11ny 1'Nll"l
• • d m y t at f t Ut r e d A h • ' •
dl"' not nt ru,
·
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=- 11:!: .: :...
�
..
,.
w. .. ..w ••• • • buftdl or

,
=:�-��.,'!:!,7;:.:.
It 1ft YNn tOMlw tu Rad °"'• U.. c.u

p,rfumwn' wt"9 w.n l.n OW •ud� ttwr ...,. )Wftplnf around UM RKIM�I

►'la.nfWl) 'a wiff', loOlhl.._ bvt fl.illn1
.a, MJ •at, Yt bee• In hf., dtait. put h•r
..
r 1• .-lad bl btu. dkk MH.bn, up on lb•
1-bw •Ml kkbil � a rautffl M th4t �Uld
hH 8-"HI I'\• 1-0 ....., UM! htll urt lb• .u.p
and l"t my n1.1in up Ul•n' \\'• wan1 MNllf'
old ma,1 •• Mamm)' Yohm oouktn'l hu•
dotw bltll., ftMt \' P pwtha wlfit t wamt
Qt). fm«n bk...,.. ubrloM.tty buu,llnc
wllh JWkt• lktu.t,nlni•IC•
8wffl Pi,! notlH'tuUy ..ft lhtt ..... I
bdtf"' hit •1.1 ttllt.U•nwlf UPf" with Mn..
►ll&n.ry tu, inl"'""'l't"'c Mt p&tt uf UI•
ad .,..,. h• po6nu- (NI ho• lnt.rlnt,,I) bf,
llb.lYN h■ poKt>tkH flt> dkln'l ntfl ..,, •
'-f\a"'" to 11,., � Upa on how &o do •
fUC)d ,ob on uu.... hud lU rHrh pt.n,,
uw U•• U""' Md Nlffl •twn lhtt
0'8J' Jl.Mft'd bi�lb. •uuld rind out 1r
u,,,,- wu &n) lNlh kt •Ml lh•Y h.td tw.n

�!s
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u.. •.DMI romp,Mntrtu • u.., �an, Ro
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YOM ud m. both, 't1'tt IOf7
dialaila .,. •ut1111 10 rQffil' bK• IO aw.
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"' "" ... ... II Ila.ff ·Ydl•LI ..Smln
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trw aditMJlkl. but •ft" lwo MOtldlJ ut

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•
OUSTfO JOUttNAUIIJI CHAlfUIIAII ..... .J ..,_... ,_ -- N ----

la lbr • INM'1: I hH1ol' YlnD Mn\ Wbal
1M ia.d Lo 1w I

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.... an1.,.,1 of
� .
cliar �UJ' ""
•t.o ..
°'Ood'I stn 10 wonw"
._,, 11'1 lbtt OM utd oaly
, , bllad
r,u■tca&.ad
� wlU. dau,bl •• Ow apotlipl
fuc-.d °" U.,b fwtu 'lllfflt bP MOOd, dad
In • U.ndl roat ol ..ct 1Ul, • pair of rff
aaU. IDtb. Md lloldJnt • l'W-d Cll• to ....
tlim on -. Ont,, "- had bobbWd oe
him lbowt ta mlautN).
.... (It ONj'
1w 1Nt'"11'91y "IIIOntd bit COit. N1"tdtl4
bWnl and I body
• plak and litq\il
whoefl wrl•k... ....,,_t,*d a map of 111•
U,-od �¥<NI, But toah. t. .UQ had i&
l)Mn ur 91:ud•nl-l. O Bnidltty !I.IIUno.
artt'd a. bu,ntot-n, '-"'SMC lh• ...-u.Uy
ttanlr11 WOfVfl any l'\-om '"Ttw Bod."
""'"'" Cllmt m,
'Ill.at .....,_,.. M.
� w ,.u1n1 !'wt po,,, on •"'-"'lnc
Aan'1 dr1wwn, bul lntUIM1 uf pUlfll •
handtul ur bU1lnl , �- ,n.S.d up with• N.-.
lfthwr JNm that )tllkm• Ml'1l. F1,n1H'ry
Ml wom•n wUI du fur 1h11lr ""'"
*
fulb. t.t nw t,U )'OU II WH Md lllt'
O.an had to HiitOl't CM.Ir dcrdlmtf'd
YN"l!-pr'HhS.nt and ll'l'U1Jnir out ol lh•
1Mtlild1nc lntu hll .. ic,.,. tlmoutaftt! Th•
poor IIO' dkht'I fWD l\a-.. a � Lo
p,rfmm, Ill• man.ae•m,nl llkMald batt
•"'-'•" ti.UH Ulan '-• "Prlnt: that hunk. of
man on .urh . ,�rul bundt or hact. h'•
Ilk.,. lhruwlnc • ri&llan lo lh• lion• ""'
..
m.n,c,nw,nl litk.lldd tui.- lnt.roduaod aft
wt t.u nlm lb• twalU do...11, llkfi l)od.ut
l'htt. I\CIUn1 hb baL �• •ould ''"
PIIY W M'tl lhal OM
up en. u,,. Wutf,Woff
•lanrwn-',
llrolh•n, lodudW'II lh• mulll-4.al11nl#d

"""'°""" � .,...,._.

too•

,._ftdt

bee'•

°'

�,;:«"wllH bylne to llLodl � tabin.
dlmc.llJ

By tb.lilU..IAlaudlffl<wwu.....,_IOlw
•nlffl&hwd.. After thtlt lwro bad ID "'
(amid •..., ' u..,. wou:I .c.u. ..
u.y&blaclbat eoukt �.
Wllbout an latntchtdtoa. prokblJ
.,.
.
_..._ th• dk jad dklo'I know wlllo
Utt> Ml I.hey ..,., I.ht WoffJ .,....... OD
,
..,_ V\u.li, .... lootH '-ti.fr H• .._
Wfarinf; u luy.bkty - 1.-.y ....,., •t o1
1tlo"'flOlb-dot-bl•lnL a14
boojl,H.' H.. lolll blondlt trlr ffllkbtd 119
h■
ow
,.. baUl,h:II IWt, . rtlo• ,-mpa. Md
llllJ y,low 1to.,.,._ . H-,, Vla., lb')' lool
lwtter oo ,ou d\AII your -1:re,"' llwkit"1!
lllham. who Pf'IX'Ndiitd IO ,.-t Lb.
Mn. ►
iihll tkltdoutolhtr
F u l h a m a p p • a nd la Il l•
f-Nlt-Of-Jh�. polll-doll,d boDr
lhoN. Tb")' aood waltlnc lo•
bvt Ow audW:oc,,, wa. ,.. not tmpn,a.d
So lh• Wom dtdda-d to ahow lhtm Ul•r
lhltf Voluptoll.l Vlnnt. Jowfy ffffiOffd
nny Tool'• tboru u Tocn lffltlJ' •II�
hfl. d, I m.an IUm Soon th-, t&ood
rompkut)' nudf ( ow, I bow wlar UWy
al him Tloy Tum I WII,. Uwy loobd up
Co, Lb• 111dWOCIP'1 h'lftk>Me, llwy found
m)-.IC lo b. lbe ooly •ilrw:a to IJwilt l"Nd,,
M'l. E'Wn my Mtod Ud dllo•IW'd nw
w.u. I ,.,. ol' fom and Vloaw .... kMmc
t'l)fff
• u 'l'belr wif'N bad wutfd •
rh.,.,. IDd ..W hadJl't bNn ffllfrW-.L
Both •YtllN'17\ and 1.1w Wotf,Wott
BnM.tien wu haft bftn �anc.llH du. tu
lhfllr odd aucllHN rn� llut don\ ta.t
too rooe,m.ct &bout mlMinc Uw act 11w
SGA b now .UCX.Uq t'uodt In or6.r U...1
our malci rnl•tUlrwn ma} a.pp.a, in thtr
audltorlu.m N'X:I lllunday • I 00 p.m

•Mt •

'° "'"'

_,

•.... .. becoat .. -- HoN, ol

_. ..... ... _ w....,_ v_
__ .w ...,. ., ... _, __
wldl t.ht F.q. Rlpt, b Wom,n
CIHMllkS.. � dM ..,. lotifl

.._, ... _.. _

...... - a.a..... ,-. .., _
Tbo

■
•Ul b. cotlttl'l:H bllO dlW otnc. fbf
s..ton ud oUw., Sltal. ,.,..._.ca.ttt..
-n.,. wll 1111an UM ,ooma wilJII

.-..... -.... °"'"'
.,.,,,o( .................. -... _
.
ll>lln,.....
0cwt-NCM JOac•a offlce ad IUtf d 1w

..- .. ... Chariol _ .ld_

-� ... - a1 o..u. 11ow ...
Solwy Ooatuw.,ti,t., 1'lw dlctrlt du
___ _..., _ to dw C.....- �
1'..S.O LM. Kautu, •ho md. ..Ot al th•
,.ope. iaft)fffd wtUI our •ntc.. l c:u't
Uliak ol•f\lY rd•llwrtlfftiC to...
Mu.rd.Uftl. and llt.n f..a.y OWfl UDd,"
._..,_ fllC FM•) wW �matlt al Lh, )II with
kllc, whlh tlPilb •IMI �mafrtlna conricu
wll bP cnuffit to lheo Oo'ftmon, Wlftuarop
......... ""hi lhffll tlwy NU.ld p4,eJ- ...h
(Nm ui.
Jodi. aad UM, k.idJ but
.... . Kl..
Plnt �""' Inn asuaili.:mal-1,,.*t> l>r�
offltt "Doa"tbr•ninf lODt,"..,..t "I
rully don't duun .cli p1-,,

,
,u_,. ...
-. KJoc ..._. -. ...

..;;
"'7,:'::t"

to COftlfflffl 00 ah. 9affOlk
ac-quWooo, SI) ,-..l'M TllomM; A.
f.tbam aid, "'I c:u'\ .u,,,. Ulal Klara
would ,.., for I.hat '"" IAat Wt'd -�)
,,.,. ol tob.ttor alad.
llb
bun W • "•"'- ..
i'Ultfl &o li\al 1111 dl• oal
lltf do•• Lblnc
II mold y lUM. wa, lUI I � h im . muplt
ofca-,o( � wlU!l a aoc,, U..C. -,11U lollt itt
... STATE HOUSE 1>1

l

o

Life in the Cafeteria

Wanted:
Women Soldiers

.. ....... . ....... f• lllh >-..

-- -. -i-- ,._ll.
"""-'
.,

,...._ ,,.,_ ... ....... .. ..... ...19

Wants land back

tMb: wt.. ....... ., ....... CIIA .....

0..-Wll.lw M.-'•,-,.r:
1lwy -:-alu• tDD- l>otllll'I Shit.. I am &he i.t ot a,
........ ... llldp,ny ◄Joo 1'ibo.
...., IMOM IIIQ, my pM)PMNINUllltlud: OMrwN
.......,.., IN .. h..nMtd hum 0--- a,.- oca k11l
rolowtnt .. U,W, lh4'f htf\ cnil. I •• bit& � •1
_,
� ll .... tnW, Mt my t.UWr _... - Oodrtln !ilhk.
_, ,..... Clllbfd ho• ..,..,.11mot11rtt...,.,_,ou
..... ..... fflll ClwlM. fty JOU ctw•a&v mua unw
IO .....fftyflCK .. ....,.ol_,,....

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"

Nd I w1M Dl1 ,-opW'1 I.Md t..11.
Ttw fMt"I JO. m,
lhue
ot
&MpN... M ..... att.r trt._ _,.., ....,.. pt.>,. I ....
t ln... bllfW .,.,.,.ftld ftl ,-C. 1N t:lll&'- MoMl

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dutr•

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u..

Mu alt4 OonMw,;," m, flliU..r ttuw fWI b Wld
...... ... adMJ,ol .... ,......, .., .... &u ••
•
l ro Md talk •kh -.Y Wltiw ..a w,U, -- Md
wtuw ..ipa. n.,
· t oo ptuua lud .._
aw IQ booblan ltlM ,.._,. .,tw., otfffl w jolt .W.
tJ1V1i C)lltvdi, l&on. I .,... .., on Lb«m, ..,..-:wt)' OM
wbo ..... llb a.h
You .._,. nrnlini, U •1 �'t lud ■ DOI fftamrad
•ld\Sa l)rw eoou. my ll'UMt wll P"II oa •• paint and

,.._, ao.s

......

...--·

..,. ..........

MOuffl &nn•ts wN.ho111L hl,a .Ulptut Ouffl •tlach• """'

I Ml tw..........._, fCM cay h.lp ldlool footWt ....
- Ow .u.plcl
1 S&t.Mla. l '°" dlfttt.-dit11 H mMRS
..,.ry1hU11 IO me.
I MIO,OOUI with tb•l.'l!Plahloflh•fbou.l '-m. Jor.l
Stnp. U11 fQNJll a lol l.o 11Mt loO.
W,41, a fill• lllatllt betuN di• bill ..... with UN
OilayNtd M,adulmoll Jod: Md I WDl Ol&l -• wantl'dtM
lO flit tu � wilb blnt, but I _.. no. H• IOld ... Lbt It••
dldtl'l tw ud lht lffm 1fCMlld N � ._ pm. ttuw
('OUld t,.I\MT l am t.b•""tw.d'..dwfdt.ttr .aft•r .al
AA I\ tuma out lb• !wds l,,Nl th• plM. Now Joel •YI
t.b11 wtwf• lNffl .... my b,lp. Ut MJ S tht.t ttwy an t tHI
rn.ndly bUIM'h uf l"Y" I'm afn)d Wt I wlll kia Joa \f I

t�lnalwr tffalh llO"-> l11M,panUllh•dba.t
bllb) 11ilJ tn hit lap,

Wbat do )'UU Lhmk I lhlKlkl dol Shwtd Io, ahowda't I
h11lp 1hr t•m �1U it mnn thtl I don't htv. any wain
,pirll·t Will It b9 • wauir of Unw tlnnt U.. '4tam bun'\ WOtl

mn.•ln dtRl f'lM • MY ••fll'.boOI
0-n-.lOffli" 11i..ulitnL1 a1 w.,bt., UUl•nn.la,
...SU.. M'Rofln.touk
llc;ld, lll)ld . ,old .......... .. ..... -- �ArUW IICl\llnllfnl uf11Wt1,no4 1Mdafflq......
" �.•IUI.
Wf"/ Mk nwOtuk,-Y W
ow
b

(UgUn,,w1Qltuf lwf• and oliwr •J.Untuu, mp
llk:.,.ur uut
toe • .-umtn of 60
Ou, blll .bo•,'-d oa\O IM. r f
ira...b by & 30

•r

AU lhlt PfffMi1'9tlon t..w a
of -.
-h(ll�
ba '-rn,,Ofam I UNt foolt
OIi Uw
-'de ul \hit ...,....,. u., pnippY JOl"lt
W1\.h Lh•lr IQ,n ul lwd
ohlro 1.nch .,vluocb.

°"'"

tlan....vda .-bu •Ith -..R"twdroU•n up
A,. roa1plimtnUNI by bMr. bltktw• and tun-up.
11w •udffl\.l whu don't u•n ap.lr ul t i.Jrin Kllf'ln•
"' hauno-d � a\un 1nd�ltod ..bl.,d ,wlm>t.
lll.,, ,.)Pfl'•pl\�)' •kM>•P.Mi1'11and •ms>k
ti......1 •Ill ''""" � all ol hi. phnp.,._

..., ...

·""°"'-·
-

•·nw:all ""

I Lh.... 1Aat tt' 1 n lff f ut p, opk> t o lwlp th,V M.ndt.
Pf,opt h.a.., bffomf IO lf-ffflLfrNi lhtl Llwy t.lMI to
Uwtr tn.nch. I IIUnk lhat uu lfMMltd tw4p lhtt UtW
any way )IMI �n. Yw """ ann't 1n\tdl or a Mf.nd or
d1Hd._.dfi,ltJOt.1 don't Mtpth• trim
t\ftr tU, what Und of • triffid would JOU bf \f)Ot.l
dktn'I do .a lh•t )OU rould to hllfp IMpbtc lh • ttl&ltl .-tU
.tiuw lb,m wb,t I"" 1. .. ,plril fOu tuw II wYI alto
m
thow Jod. llow mudl you mn
AcUaJly, I o.n'l Ullnk or a btiUt,.._,· or..-lncontt',
tlnw and "'"1Y
lfN .,._'l wotl d!olt. ... k t0m� pl\l(nalonal hfolp
Slp,d.
Journal Editor. m ltopph11

·--

StJffOll< JOlJl2� 4
• • • • 11111 ....... - ,,. ___ _

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-
...
- tit• bH r M•r. • __,,, _ .... .__, ,,.._ _ ..
J-..,,,our IVl#l#O VOICI

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LSGTM ID lal

-1M! UN11TH BITOII ..,.,..
flCIIIND IDfT0fll

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............ ...........-� .w, ......,
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EXCLUSIVE PHAL\'XIJOURNAL INTERVIEW

Khomeini chosen over Mr. Bill as new president

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Looking for a date?
Look here and rate!

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Ex-porn queen does it one more time
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